How do I make myself feel powerful and confident | MEN'SEEK | Syash Mishra

Let's talk about this in detail:

1) Being relaxed.

You are not running after any conclusion. You are here to have a good time.

You are here to genuinely have a conversation. You are interested in your fellow humans.

And if they are not interested, then you don't read much into that except that they need to be left to their own businesses.

Your frequencies do not match at this very moment. Leave it be. Don't overthink it.

Focus on being relaxed.

Relaxation in social situations is achieved in 3 ways:

 °There is nothing to gain from this, so there are no expectations, planning, no analyzing, and a relaxed state is naturally achieved.

°There is nothing to lose here, so there is no anxiety, worry, or risk. Therefore, one can be relaxed.

°There is something to gain and something to lose, for ex: you want to impress some person, but you love the game much more than losses and victories. If you lose, the game still continues, if you win, the game goes on.

When you are in a state of enjoying the game of talking to people, you are relaxed.

Losses and wins become temporary events that you accept are part of the game.

You play the game without attachment to the players.

So, the first rule is: you've gotta be relaxed in your bones.

Now let's talk about why motherlovers aren't relaxed.

You compare social situations to imaginary scenarios of how that conversation should be.

You have imaginary scenarios in your mind of a great conversation in which everybody ends up being charmed by you.

These scenarios have been learned from TV, movies, egocentricism, and then reinforced by role-playing in your mind.

2) just like you, others role play themselves as the center of the earth too, so there is a clear conflict of interests,

3) TV shows and movies are fantasies written by somebody with the goal to be as far away from reality as possible.

If you really want to be charming in reality, dump all of these imagined scenarios in a burning pit.

Empty your mind from nonsense.

Go into social situations with "i don't know". And relaxation will follow.

When your mind is empty of expectations, you become agile, adaptable, and free of constraints, like water.

Your stupid roleplaying results aren't dictating you, therefore, you are free to switch, improvise, shut up, or distance depending on the situation. Like water.

This is also connected to a big reason why people's social skills don't improve.

You have unrealistic dumb standards of social interactions which you have accepted without a prolonged debate or self-questioning.

When you expect such standards, normal behavior becomes disappointing in comparison.

The standards dictate that you ought to be at least 7 or 8 out of 10 in every single social interaction...with random confused-as-fudge humans.

I am assuming you perform at 5/10.

During assessments in your mind, out of something called negativity bias, you give yourself 2/10.

2 means chugging garbage.

Therefore you have anxiety about the next social interaction.

You cut yourself off from new people who aren't actually thinking poorly of you at all.

You become so negative that you discourage yourself to meet people, reach out to people, and because you judge yourself so hard, any positive motivation to improve your social skills is swallowed by the black hole of negative criticism.

As a result, actual bad social interactions start occurring from a lack of skill development and pre-existing negative judgments that you will do crap anyway. You manifest awkward bad social interactions.

Should you then just accept,

"I don't care, i have no expectations" and be an A - O? No.

Here's a little eastern wisdom for you: 

your expectations shall not be focused on how people react to you, but how you react to yourself.

What people think about you is far less important than what you think of yourself.

Here's the advice: limit your expectations to your conduct. 

Currently you analyze your conduct on the basis of others' reactions what they must be thinking of you, were they impressed?

Now you analyze your conduct on the basis of your values--did you honor yourself in the way you conducted yourself in a conversation or not?

Your expectations must be to uphold your values.

Your self-esteem should come from this, not what xyz with a haircut thought.

How dignified, mannerful, and decent you are to your fellow human species is how you decide what to think of yourself.

You can't control others.

Why not focus entirely on controlling your conduct and centering it around values that make you respect yourself!

How do you stop wanting to impress people? This happens with a little cognitive reframing of how you see humans.

You have to learn to see humans as primates, mammals, not some grand majestic beings because they have fancy clothes on that you have strongly learned to associate with a price tag.

That's social learning.

A person from a tribe from another continent will see the same clothes as colorful fabric stitched together in an unfamiliar way which is different, not superior.

You perceive clothing and objects like that because that has been your social training.

You believe the illusion. That's how tricks are sold as magic.

We live in a world where we are unknowingly trained to believe in a lot of illusions and nonsense as truths.

Accept this truth:

You are not less than anybody, you are not above anybody.

We are all homo sapiens trying to figure out how to survive and be liked, and we are masters at pretending to hide how scaringly confused we are.

If you can accept that and learn to see all humans like that, they will cease to be creatures that need to be impressed.

You can achieve relaxation amongst humans and empathy for them.

That was just point 1.

Now point two.

You are relaxed. Now practice self-control.

Self control regulates when you speak depending on which conversations and topics you are interested in, have something to offer to, have knowledge about, and which conversations you know very less about which should be a sign that you ought to be an active listener in this or you can leave to another group. Butting in, wanting to be the center of the conversation, is actually annoying and revealing of constant need of attention.

Also, confidently uttering something that exposes how uneducated you are on a subject is not advisable.

If you don't know about something, better to shut the f___up, just listen.

If somebody asks for an opinion, tell them, "you don't know anything about this." 

Owning 'you don't know' without shame or doubt shows you are confident and sure about yourself.

Honesty like this exudes strength because it shows that the possibility of being judged piss to you.

Most people pretend, what you show is this, "you know who you are, and you're not going to pretend to be somebody else to be liked."

That's strong and shows you are not a bullsh--er, and hence, can be trusted.

3) Know that not every room is going to be the same.

In your mind, you judge every conversation like this: either you sucked in it or you were fine.

Add a new setting in your mind right now: some conversations are going to be good, some confusing, some odd, some outright boring and most completely meaningless.

Activate this setting before and after every conversation you have with people.

Here's another thing: even in good conversations, you will not become friends with everybody, maybe warm acquaintances with one or two people, and whether that develops into a friendship depends on further meet-ups.

You can't base friendship off a single pleasant conversation. They could be people pleasers, pretenders, high in trait psychopathy or all dark traits, those are really charming people at first.

Here's more: In many conversations, you are not gonna be making friends with anybody.

Be completely okay with that. You did not suck.

Your expectations are inconsistent with how humans work. Don't point fingers at yourself unless you have clear, loud reasons to.

Not every room and outcome is going to be how you imagine it in your fantasies.

Welcome to reality, and be prepared for a lot of awkwardness.

4) Don't be bothered if you are not liked. You are not there to please.

If somebody is being weird, treating you unpleasantly, instead of obsessing over their words, going crazy wondering why, hating yourself or doubting yourself, or trying to please them and win over their approval, distance yourself from them at the first sign of offense.

Another rule: Do not for a second take nor process anybody's crap.

Between taking offense or accepting that it may have nothing to do with you, humble yourself by not making it about yourself.

Accept that there are powers bigger than you operating in life that affect people.

You don't know what is going on in their lives. If someone is unpleasant, leave it to the universe to deal with them.

Accept that there is a clear possibility that this person could be human sewage, which serves as a good enough reason to smile and forget about them.

Your mental state in any social interaction must be of relaxation and you should have clearly defined tricks available to maintain that.

If somebody is being a pos, distance entirely at once, not your problem, let the universe handle it.

5) Spotlight effect: you have heard this a million times: nobody gives an f about you.

This ought to give you freedom and relaxation. Nobody gives an f about me? That's nice.

I can relax, be free, be myself, and it is okay because spotlight effect basically says: just like you are at all times thinking about whatever's happening in your life, others are doing the same.

Your major focus is you. Their focus is themselves. This gives us a few incentives: one, you are allowed some muck-ups in social situations. Two, the same may apply to some big chug-ups too, a big example is all the youtubers who get majorly balls off the chart cancelled and then a lot of people love them again like nothing ever happened.

The thought that, "they will never forget" in most situations is a lie, it's very likely they will as they are technically obsessed with their own crap.

Also, you can change people's opinions by subsequent actions. This gives you great room to breathe.

In case you make errors, say something stupid, or overshare, it is okay. Spotlight effect. 

As long as you learn, adapt, and strategize, f---ups become a breeding ground for growth.

Humans have malleable short-term memories, including you. So, relax.

6) Eat knowledge.

Here are two approaches: one, you work hard every single day to improve your speaking skills so you can speak well in front of others, second, you fill your mind with perspectives, knowledge, and the curiosity to learn not because you want to impress people but because you want to make your mind a beautiful place.

The first person will speak well, the second person will be amazing to speak with.

That's the difference between extrinsic and intrinsic motivation. I am not saying, don't practice skills, what I am saying is make consuming knowledge via reading a great love of your life and that will sufficiently increase your speaking skills.

Impressing people as a motivation is a move toward desperation, cultivating your mind is fulfilling your intellectual duty.

For a conversation to happen naturally and gracefully, it has to be removed from the obscenity of pounding everything into goals and steps and rewards like you are a robot.

You are a human being.

It is your duty to make this mind a beautiful place filled with beautiful thoughts and full of information about the topics you love. 

7) Let others shine.

Let's say, you are a reservoir of knowledge or you are overexcited about a topic, and you talk so much that others zone out, get irritated, aren't able to get a single word in.

For reference watch podcasts with Neil DeGrasse Tyson. Even a smart person can be severely lacking in interpersonal skills.

LET OTHERS SHINE. Say this to yourself or you're going to forget. 

Even if you don't find what they are saying very interesting, it is okay, one, it is not a race, humans don't have to be always amazing, you are the same me on many occasions, two, that is the cost of human relationships you have to tolerate them, and that pays off when they show up for you at times of need. Cost benefit analysis, motherlover. To be a charismatic person who wins over human beings, there is no tool better and more universally uniting than kindness.

 Kindness dictates that others are as valuable as you are, or as valueless as you, either way is fine as long as you see humans on the same plain as you existentially.

Give them opportunities to shine.

The greatest talk show host Johny Carson's best quality was that no matter how confused or nervous the guest was, he knew how to get the best out of them by making them shine.

Craig Ferguson did the same by connecting with the human sitting on the guest seat, and his interviews were beautiful organic conversations.

8) Don't be an a__hole.

Humans in small groups select leaders based on who they feel is fair and trust the most.

Remember, human bonds grow together by trust. If somebody's teaching you to be jerk, be selfish and use people, well, that may look badass in movies, in real life, that's a death sentence in groups.

Humans are social beings whose survival strategy is to be part of groups.

Groups to humans mean better mental health, opportunities, and safety from crime — that's why it's called social capital. 

A person who is mean, screws people over will be cast out and beaten to death by that group- that's biology.

For how long do you think the strategy of using people can last until those people band together against you, and you are collectively known in your circles as a piece of sh*#?

This actually happens to people in reality, the groups cut them off and they are alone.

You can find such examples in your family, who's the person who everyone dislikes?

they don't get even 1% of the benefits the most liked person gets.

They are lonely and almost nobody talks to them.

In reality, your selfishness ought to advise you to be good to people for self-benefit. 

How to be naturally charismatic? Reframe how you see humans altogether, for that, read as much literature as you can about humans. 

Read David Graeber and David Wengrow's The dawn of everything - it's much better than Sapiens.

Then focus entirely in life to maintain your relaxation.

When you meet humans, realize that they are only humans, nothing to be afraid of or fascinated by.

Then finally, cultivate the only singular element that separates humans from all beings thought.

The human brain is not an organ whose sole function is to carry out reciprocal communications, acquire skills to get a job, earn money and f---; and to gossip and fill your mind with useless information; its true nature is to elicit awe out of others. Your brain needs to be awe-inspiring.

Make your brain that, and charm will follow. 

I hope you enjoyed this article ☺️